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(no subject) [Dec. 14th, 2016|11:47 pm]
Used to steal your parents liquor and climb to the roof,
Talk about our future like we had a clue.
Never planned that one day I'd be losing you...

In another life, I would be your girl.
We keep all our promises, be us against the world.
In another life, I would make you stay,
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away.

I was June and you were my Johnny Cash-
Never one without the other, we made a pact.
Sometimes when I miss you, I put those records on.

Someone said you had your tattoo removed.
Saw you downtown, singing the blues.
It's time to face the music, I'm no longer your muse.

In another life, I would be your girl.
We keep all our promises, be us against the world
In another life, I would make you stay.
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away.
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(no subject) [Apr. 9th, 2016|12:35 am]

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(no subject) [Mar. 17th, 2016|01:28 am]
even when i'm walking on a wire, even when i set myself on fire-why do i always feel invisible?
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(no subject) [Oct. 19th, 2015|05:46 pm]
The internet provides a weird place where things and people aren't tangible yet they don't seem so far away.

It's like a vast, unexplored ocean.

I don't think I'll be coming back here anymore. I don't really see the point. I don't know anyone here anymore. I've outgrown the use I once had for it. I use other platforms now. I guess that's just the way it goes.


hm. good bye, livejournal.
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(no subject) [Jul. 28th, 2015|12:49 am]
"Take Me To Church"

My lover's got humour,
She's the giggle at a funeral.
Knows everybody's disapproval,
I should've worshipped her sooner.

If the heavens ever did speak-
She's the last true mouthpiece.
Every Sunday's getting more bleak;
A fresh poison each week.

"We were born sick," you heard them say it.

My church offers no absolutes-
She tells me, "Worship in the bedroom."
The only heaven I'll be sent to
Is when I'm alone with you.

I was born sick.
But I love it.
Command me to be well-
Aaay. Amen. Amen. Amen.

Take me to church-
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies;
I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife.
Offer me that deathless death,
Good God, let me give you my life.

If I'm a pagan of the good times,
My lover's the sunlight.
To keep the Goddess on my side,
She demands a sacrifice.

Drain the whole sea.
Get something shiny.
Something meaty for the main course,
That's a fine-looking high horse.
What you got in the stable?
We've a lot of starving faithful.

That looks tasty.
That looks plenty.
This is hungry work.

Take me to church-
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies;
I'll tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife.
Offer me my deathless death,
Good God, let me give you my life.

No Masters or Kings,
When the Ritual begins.
There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin.

In the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene-
Only then I am human.
Only then I am clean.
Amen. Amen. Amen.

Take me to church-
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies;
I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife.
Offer me that deathless death,
Good God, let me give you my life.
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(no subject) [May. 17th, 2015|04:12 pm]
Every time I get online I immediately want to get off. I can't stand facebook for more than five seconds, it is just...irritating. Everyone is either complaining or bragging or bitching and moaning or fighting and it's just a bunch of stupid pictures with really really obvious captions on them, thoughts that everyone thinks but don't say out loud because they're simple and dumb but oh they really try and tell you how to live your life. If there's one thing I hate, it's people telling me what to do. If there's something I hate even more, it's excessive positivity and words of advice from people that are basically scabs.

I hate people. oh. so. much.

I know I'm not any better; which I guess is why I'm a hermit and I keep my shitty opinions to myself. I have to write every day or I'll go crazy. I'm not really speaking to people outside my orbit right now, which is basically everyone. I don't know what to say, and when I do, well...I just know I shouldn't.

Life is just fucking weird. Everyone is scrambling to make it seem like more than it is when all it is, is bullshit. The only reason people are addicted to their phones and social media is because people are secretly obsessed with human mortality. It's claiming I'm alive! I'm significant! Thousands of ants scurrying about never realizing they are just tiny insects crawling on the planet's surface, a rock, hurling through time and space. It's a miracle that anything here exists at all and we just fuck everything up and over and then ask why things are going to hell. I see myself teetering on the brink of falling into everything that is fucked, but for now I'll focus on this one small thing. Everyone thinks they are the center of the universe and everything they do has some meaning or purpose and it doesn't. And I know that doesn't exclude me but I'm really just sick of it. There might not be more but at least I can shut out the noise. And think. And read.

My house is covered in books. They're starting to collect in tall piles that get pushed against the walls because I'm running out of room for them all. It's the only thing that keeps my mind from trying to constantly justify my life. I hate it. Just enjoy it, you'll be dead soon anyway.
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(no subject) [May. 4th, 2015|01:12 pm]
I quit my job. Of five years. It hasn't sunk in yet. I still have anxiety. It's like, I'm waiting for the time I would normally leave to pass. Otherwise I'm holding my breath. I feel weird. I KNOW it was the right thing to do for myself. I have a problem of being a doormat in toxic relationships, this just happened to be a toxic work-ship. Once I miss this shift today, I'll know for sure I don't have to go in. It's weird how you can do that.

I worked under the same boss since I started in 2010, and about two months ago he announced he was selling the place. Simultaneously, my co-worker gave her two weeks notice. So at first we're panicked because we might lose all our jobs. Then K leaves, and I'm back to 30 hours a week, five days. And the new owners assure us we still have our own jobs. ...and then some.

Suddenly I was running the fucking place--they replaced all the machines and computer so I had to re learn everything, which wasn't too bad, but since then things have been really stressful. The place has three owners but they're never around, but call and say different things. Then I have to find a person to train, without paying them for training (pretty sure THAT'S illegal) and our head housekeeper quits. So now I have to find another housekeeper and then, maintenance has to quit because he had been driving around without a license and got busted. Not to mention two of the rooms were out because the pipes exploded. It's been like one shit storm after the other and they tell me to just handle it. Two weeks ago, I tell the owner that I need to give my own two weeks because I can't do this job anymore, for multiple reasons. I recently moved to a different town where it takes 25 minutes to drive to the town I work in. that's almost two hours a day of just driving. Five days a week, for minimum wage. Not to mention we only have one car and he works the hoot owl shifts at cal poly, and then I'm only seeing lidia briefly in the mornings and I get to put her to bed at night. It's hard to explain how not seeing my family puts a strain on life. I live to take care of them, and so I tried explaining my situation, and he wouldn't listen. He kept talking over me, and offered me a dollar raise.

So, I took it because he wasn't letting me quit and I feel obligated to help everyone because they put so much pressure on me to do everything and be reliable.

So I got a nice paycheck a day or so later. It's two weeks later, this past friday, I get my pay check and it's significantly less than it should be. My hourly rate went back to minimum. Fucking bullshit. What the hell? And suddenly I'm like viewing myself outside of my body, screaming what the fuck are you doing? You're becoming one of those adults that sacrifices their happiness for a stupid job that I hate and is going no where. I got it when we were in a recession, that's not the case anymore. My husband makes enough money that what I make is just extra.

So I'm terrified to tell him though. Because I don't know how to stand up for myself in these situations. And we're driving and I can't stop crying and then I can't breathe...and then I can't feel my hands. Numb and tingly, they feel like they might float away.

He pulls over and holds me. I just want to go home. I want my mommy. I hate her.

Bean calls and talks me down. She tells me what I need to hear. I don't need this job. They're bullying you into staying, because when you try and tell people how stressed out you are, they don't understand it's not the same as when other people say it. She makes me realize no one fucking knows me, not even my own mother, but for some reason she get's it.

"You don't owe them anything, what's the worse that could happen? Yell at you? It's not illegal to quit your job."

I literally needed someone in my life to tell me that because I didn't know that.

It seems weird to admit that, but there it is.

and now, here I am. A housewife with lots of space to do....um. something.

I'm like a bird that's been stuck in a cage for so damn long that when you open the door and say "fly away" I just stare at the open space. Like, this is a trick right? A dream? I actually escaped something sucking the life and soul out of me? I get to do what I want? I get to figure out what to do with myself?

I'm going to pain, and write, and study. Maybe go back to school. I guess anything is possible? I hate saying trite things like that but I guess they come from somewhere.
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(no subject) [Apr. 16th, 2015|11:07 pm]
I honestly don't remember posting the last picture I posted on here, I feel like I've been far more absent than just a few months.

I moved. I bought a house. We've been here about a month now. It's nice. Still adapting, but its hard because I'm back working five days a week. I've completely given up any kind of social life, and I'm really actually happy about it. I talk to my best friend over the phone every week, she's currently pregnant with twins and the guy that got her pregnant didn't work out so she's moving back at the end of the summer. That's not why I've given up trying, I'm just pointing out that I have friends and am capable of keeping some type of a connection going. But, since I've been here, I've holed up with video games and books. I fell into quite a few holes, fallout and skyrim sort of ate up my life. I grew up in a family where, if you played video games, you were a loser wasting your life away. So I guess this is a fuck you to that and also, you'd have to be insane to not play games, they are so much more than they used to be.

This neighborhood is full of kids, girls mostly, in liddy bugs age group. She goes out to play every day. It's weird how I grew up with no parents around and now that I am one I feel weird if I don't spent every second with her. How does that even happen?

I finished Lord of the Flies tonight. That book is amazing from start to finish. And terrifying. I think it's one of my new favorites.

I'm three years sober this summer. It seems like such a little number. I have noticed how every year that passes since I stopped drinking, it's clearer how fucked up I used to be and how much better I get every day.

I haven't gotten back into therapy but we just got insurance through Dylan's job at the college so hopefully that will give me the freedom to see someone more legit than some fuck tard at the county mental hospital that literally doesn't even look at you when they write a prescription. I don't need a prescription, that's what the marijuana is for, but this is the first time in my life I know exactly what I need to work on and want to find someone fairly legit. I guess someone that gives me a good feeling, where I feel like they actually give a crap.

People never cease to amaze. Or, disappoint. Either way I don't know why I'm surprised.

I'm currently not speaking to my mother. I know it's immature but I'm mad at her but I'm not capable of expressing that, but I can't lie either. So I avoid. I'm pretty sure it's a huge chunk of a personality disorder but also, she fucked up. I try so hard to feel strong and project that image but when it comes to her...I dunno. I'm not there yet. One day I'll break her with the truth but I just can't right now. I'm trying to work on my anger. She just ruins everything.

Whatever. I have chocolate cupcakes with peanut butter filling from Trader Joe's and sometimes that's the only good thing you can get out of life and I'm all about living in the moment so, fuck it.
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(no subject) [Jan. 29th, 2015|07:24 pm]
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poem#549702 [Mar. 15th, 2014|05:42 pm]
Skin that's soft and cool slowly coil around my neck.
What a sophisticated way to die.
Peering out at me from red eyes, unmoving.
Isn't it romantic to be in love with
what is so terrifying to most?

To love a monster,
that's all I can do.
Slowly learning that
pain is food.

As time goes by
I gather more strength
I draw more lines in the sand
I cut my losses with dry eyes.

To see a monster,
looking back at me,
no longer able to deny
what we all try to forget.

Harness it. Cultivate it. Relish it.
Feel the dark emptiness tunnel its way into you-
leaving room to grow.

Who am I?
the eternal question reaching back inside
with limp hands i can find
most of you.

Restraints tight against flesh,
reminding me I am alive.

my scars speak of whispered secrets,
once my arms were a clean white sheet
even now they look strange and distorted,
belonging to someone else.
our skin doesn't change. our pain doesn't go away,
to forgive is not to forget.

it stays hidden in the background,
stalking it's prey. always waiting to remind you
of the price you pay.
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